Sunday, April 17, 2011

It's not goodbye, it's until later...

I am officially home, safe and sound. I don't have pneumonia, and if I did it already passed. Even my head lice was taken care of before I stepped off the plane. So I am intact, the only marks left on me were those imprints on my heart.

I'll start from the beginning of my last few days. As expected, there were 20 + people in my house on Saturday. The three families brought over all the food to make rice and chicken and salad. I felt so special, because for them to go slightly above their means to send me off meant so much. We talked and took pictures, walked to the store for some ice cream (my treat) and just enjoyed each others company. Some of them gave me little notes and gifts and I made sure not to open them because otherwise my resolve to not cry might not have stood strong. It was a smart choice, because each of them said such nice things that made me miss everything even though I was still there. I promised I would come and say my last goodbye's Monday after school, so I was fine with the knowledge that I would see them all again. Waldy, Lucia, Nelson and Geni spent the night, I did a piojo wash on the girls, taught them how to use a shower and shampoo their hair, and played tickle monster all night long. It was so much fun. I love Waldy. I say it all the time but something about her stole my heart. I miss her. But back to the moment. Sunday I got up semi early in order to go with the Hogar kids to watch them being baptized. 8 of the older kids each took a turn being dipped under the water, washed clean and given a new start in life. It was really powerful to watch, especially for the kids to whom it meant a lot. When it was Rosa's turn, I was crying, just because I wanted so much for her to be given a second chance and a clean slate. The rest of the day was spent at the river, swimming and laughing, eating and having fun. We went back to the Hogar, watched a movie and I said goodbye as late as possible.

On Monday I felt really strongly how short my time was. With only two days left, the help I felt I could give was minimal, so mostly I tried to stay with the kids as much as possible. During school I took time to write letters, so that I could leave a little bit of me with each and every one of them. After school, the Hogar had a really really nice going away party for me. The tias had decorated with a sign that said "gracias Kyla por su amor" and when I walked up I felt like crying. The kids danced and we ate, and then the power went out half way through the program. Typical Honduras, but I didn't even mind. I was in the company of my favorite people, people I love and all was good. Then came time for the kids to say something to me, little thank you's, and then my turn to say something to them. I completely choked up, and it took all I had not to cry. I handed out bracelets and key chains I had bought, just something to show how much they all mean to me, though nothing I could buy would ever truly show that. Around 3, David agreed to take me back up the mountain so that I could say my first real, final goodbye's. And the final goodbye's are the worst. I hiked up to Geni's house with the 4 older girls and Paola, and we spent a few hours talking and laughing. They again made a chicken for me for dinner, and brought up some Soda. David wanted to pick us up at 5, so I was worried about being on time, but they kept telling me to wait a little longer. Every time I would get up to leave I would start tearing up, and when the time finally came, the tears didn't stop. Doña Lucia, who I call Abuela, gave me a hug and told me she considered me one of her own, and then the kids and aunts walked me down to the road where I had to say goodbye to everyone who went to the highschool. My friends. Geni, Alan, Brenda, Nelson, and finally Denia. Denia and I were both crying. She is an amazing, remarkable girl. David drove off and I waved and then I was gone. But not gone forever. Only for now.

After that, I just wanted to skip Tuesday all together. My official last day. But that wasn't to be done. Tuesday passed. The second graders tied me up with string so that I couldn't leave, and then eventually set me free. I almost preferred staying tied up. And when the end of the day came, more tears flowed again, as I said goodbye to Diana, Arturo, Walter, Wilmer, Eloisa, Nayeli, Waldy and everyone really. And my last stop was the Hogar, where I had time to eat with them, take a picture, and once again more goodbye's. But like Danelia said to me, she wouldn't say goodbye, only until later. Because I will be back. Cherlin was crying as I walked out the gate, and Rosa as well, but I was definitely the worst. Just many tears, which continued the whole car ride back, even as I got my stuff for the bus. Then Goodbye's to Anna, Zoe and David and it was all the same. And then I was on the bus, watching the faces of the people I loved pass until I fell asleep. I think I cried more, not because I wouldn't see them again, but because it will never quite be the same. I'll most likely never be there again for 6 months, and though I'll visit it will be shorter. But it's okay. I always knew there would be a 'see you later'. And I did better than I thought I would honestly.

So now I'm home and settling back in. It's crazy how quickly you can fall back into old routines. Driving, having a cell phone, meeting with friends, fighting with sisters... everything. Though it's not quite the same. I was in a slight daze when I got home. Some friends were at the house to meet me, which was really nice. Some things just seem completely surreal. The perfectly paved roads, the lack of trash, being home in general with everything that I have. I miss the Spanish language. I'm afraid I'll loose everything I've learned. And I miss the kids of course. I was talking to Cherlin on facebook (yes they have facebook), and she used my nickname, Moi, and I almost cried. But it's ok. I can talk to them. And though I miss them I'll be back.

People have asked me what I learned from my experience. What mark has it left on me? My truthful answer is that I have no idea. I wish I could impart some well thought out wisdom to the rest of the world, combine my experience into a series of sayings. I can't honestly say that my time there has made me appreciate my life here more, because I found some things in Honduras to be much better. That isn't mainly what I learned. I can't say what impact this has made on my life, or how it has changed it. Perhaps it is too early to tell, perhaps I don't feel changed, only because I can't imagine it being another way. But the experience has undoubtedly shaped a good part of what I will do in my future. I have formed relationships that can not be broken. As I go on and experience more here, I think my time in Honduras will show itself more and more through me. I know there is another world than the middle class american one that I function in. I have seen what amazing things people can do, but I've also been given things to think about. Cultural differences, child raising techniques, economic imbalance etc etc. The list goes on and on but often times these things don't have answers. That Honduras has impacted me is unquestionable, how much so and to what extent is yet to be seen.

Thank you to everyone who has kept in touch with my journey. I don't know if you will all be satisfied with it's ending, but perhaps that's the beauty of it. It isn't an ending, only a beginning to a life that will hopefully lead me to answers and action. All we can do in this world is try, and I will give all I can to try to help those I know, and many more if possible. So thank you again, but I won't say goodbye. So until later... :)

Friday, April 8, 2011

Coming to an end

Some of you may want to stop reading now and turn back, because I'm giving you fair warning that most of my following commentary will be me complaining about the upcoming trip home and goodbye's that will be said. I have spent the last few days mentally and physically preparing myself for my trip home.

But to put that moment off a tad, the time with the group was absolutely awesome. They spent the rest of the week working on the water project which they finished and did an awesome job with!!! Thank you so much to everyone who sacrificed their spring break to work here and hang out with the kids. Now the jungle school finally has running water regularly for the kitchen and for other necessary utilities (bathrooms) in the school. The group was great, worked for the most part without complaint, and worked well with the kids. We had a little fun as well, going to Cayos Cochinos, where I got to join in, as well as hanging at the river. If you would like to hear more about the groups adventures check out their blog at http://hhkspring2011.blogspot.com . I think most everyone had a good time, and hopefully we'll have some people returning again next year. I hear rumors my sister may want to lead the trip... who knows? Eloisa did indeed recover and I was happy to have taken her to the doctors. When the time for goodbye's came to be said, their was almost not a dry eye in the entire bus. The hogar put on a really nice little going away party, and the bus drove off on a river of tears. Eye somehow managed to avoid joining in, but it only made me even more nervous for my own turn coming up. I'm going to be a reck, a complete mess.

So since the group has left it's been kind of back to the old schedule. School in the morning, Hogar in the afternoon. I'm enjoying the time with the kids but I feel as if the dread of leaving is taking over. It's not that I'm  not looking forward to going home at all, because I am a little, it's more that I can't say goodbye. The only thing that makes it easier is that I know I'll be back. Hopefully sooner rather than later. I think I must be a little stressed, because I am now sick. I have a nice whooping cough thats lasted for three weeks, and finally yesterday I decided to try to get some medicine. Then today my body up and decided to get another kind of sick which resembles a little of Montezuma's revenge if you catch my drift. These things have stolen two of my days, Wednesday and Today. I missed school, and now I only have two days left. I did use the time though to go shopping, spend lots of money that I don't have on gifts, and write tons and tons of letters. I just feel like I need to leave a little of myself with the people that I love hear, so that they wont forget me. But I am so afraid they will. Well, not forget entirely, it just seems so easy to settle into normal life again. And that is what I want, but still. I'm sure I'll do a similar thing back home, and settle in slowly, but that doesn't mean I will forget. I definitely won't do that. So it will be fine. I had been planning on spending the night with Denia at her house, but my sickness took care that I couldn't do that, but they were sweet enough to come visit me. I was actually at the hogar though, but Nelson, Walter, and Alan came to fetch me on their bikes. I rode Honduran Style- 2 to a bike which was kind of exciting. I felt bad for Nelson because I weigh quite a bit more than a typical small Honduran haha. I passed out some of my gifts for them and Denia already started crying. I tried to pick out something extra nice for her and finally settled on a little jewelry box where I put a picture of us, with a bracelet inside, as well as a picture frame. For others I gave some of my clothes, jewelry that I bought, and other things. I still have a bit to pass out. I spent today packing up the room, just to get everything ready since I had time. I don't want to waste another minute packing when I can be with the kids. Everything seems in order. About three of the families are coming down tomorrow to have some lunch with me. There could be about 20 or more people in the house. We shall see.

Everything will be changing so soon. I can't believe it at all. I think I'm preparing myself well though. I know what's coming, and I'll be back. But I will miss them and everyone, that much is clear. Things like this leave a mark on your heart.