It's not goodbye, it's until later...

I am officially home, safe and sound. I don't have pneumonia, and if I did it already passed. Even my head lice was taken care of before I stepped off the plane. So I am intact, the only marks left on me were those imprints on my heart.

I'll start from the beginning of my last few days. As expected, there were 20 + people in my house on Saturday. The three families brought over all the food to make rice and chicken and salad. I felt so special, because for them to go slightly above their means to send me off meant so much. We talked and took pictures, walked to the store for some ice cream (my treat) and just enjoyed each others company. Some of them gave me little notes and gifts and I made sure not to open them because otherwise my resolve to not cry might not have stood strong. It was a smart choice, because each of them said such nice things that made me miss everything even though I was still there. I promised I would come and say my last goodbye's Monday after school, so I was fine with the knowledge that I would see them all again. Waldy, Lucia, Nelson and Geni spent the night, I did a piojo wash on the girls, taught them how to use a shower and shampoo their hair, and played tickle monster all night long. It was so much fun. I love Waldy. I say it all the time but something about her stole my heart. I miss her. But back to the moment. Sunday I got up semi early in order to go with the Hogar kids to watch them being baptized. 8 of the older kids each took a turn being dipped under the water, washed clean and given a new start in life. It was really powerful to watch, especially for the kids to whom it meant a lot. When it was Rosa's turn, I was crying, just because I wanted so much for her to be given a second chance and a clean slate. The rest of the day was spent at the river, swimming and laughing, eating and having fun. We went back to the Hogar, watched a movie and I said goodbye as late as possible.

On Monday I felt really strongly how short my time was. With only two days left, the help I felt I could give was minimal, so mostly I tried to stay with the kids as much as possible. During school I took time to write letters, so that I could leave a little bit of me with each and every one of them. After school, the Hogar had a really really nice going away party for me. The tias had decorated with a sign that said "gracias Kyla por su amor" and when I walked up I felt like crying. The kids danced and we ate, and then the power went out half way through the program. Typical Honduras, but I didn't even mind. I was in the company of my favorite people, people I love and all was good. Then came time for the kids to say something to me, little thank you's, and then my turn to say something to them. I completely choked up, and it took all I had not to cry. I handed out bracelets and key chains I had bought, just something to show how much they all mean to me, though nothing I could buy would ever truly show that. Around 3, David agreed to take me back up the mountain so that I could say my first real, final goodbye's. And the final goodbye's are the worst. I hiked up to Geni's house with the 4 older girls and Paola, and we spent a few hours talking and laughing. They again made a chicken for me for dinner, and brought up some Soda. David wanted to pick us up at 5, so I was worried about being on time, but they kept telling me to wait a little longer. Every time I would get up to leave I would start tearing up, and when the time finally came, the tears didn't stop. Doña Lucia, who I call Abuela, gave me a hug and told me she considered me one of her own, and then the kids and aunts walked me down to the road where I had to say goodbye to everyone who went to the highschool. My friends. Geni, Alan, Brenda, Nelson, and finally Denia. Denia and I were both crying. She is an amazing, remarkable girl. David drove off and I waved and then I was gone. But not gone forever. Only for now.

After that, I just wanted to skip Tuesday all together. My official last day. But that wasn't to be done. Tuesday passed. The second graders tied me up with string so that I couldn't leave, and then eventually set me free. I almost preferred staying tied up. And when the end of the day came, more tears flowed again, as I said goodbye to Diana, Arturo, Walter, Wilmer, Eloisa, Nayeli, Waldy and everyone really. And my last stop was the Hogar, where I had time to eat with them, take a picture, and once again more goodbye's. But like Danelia said to me, she wouldn't say goodbye, only until later. Because I will be back. Cherlin was crying as I walked out the gate, and Rosa as well, but I was definitely the worst. Just many tears, which continued the whole car ride back, even as I got my stuff for the bus. Then Goodbye's to Anna, Zoe and David and it was all the same. And then I was on the bus, watching the faces of the people I loved pass until I fell asleep. I think I cried more, not because I wouldn't see them again, but because it will never quite be the same. I'll most likely never be there again for 6 months, and though I'll visit it will be shorter. But it's okay. I always knew there would be a 'see you later'. And I did better than I thought I would honestly.

So now I'm home and settling back in. It's crazy how quickly you can fall back into old routines. Driving, having a cell phone, meeting with friends, fighting with sisters... everything. Though it's not quite the same. I was in a slight daze when I got home. Some friends were at the house to meet me, which was really nice. Some things just seem completely surreal. The perfectly paved roads, the lack of trash, being home in general with everything that I have. I miss the Spanish language. I'm afraid I'll loose everything I've learned. And I miss the kids of course. I was talking to Cherlin on facebook (yes they have facebook), and she used my nickname, Moi, and I almost cried. But it's ok. I can talk to them. And though I miss them I'll be back.

People have asked me what I learned from my experience. What mark has it left on me? My truthful answer is that I have no idea. I wish I could impart some well thought out wisdom to the rest of the world, combine my experience into a series of sayings. I can't honestly say that my time there has made me appreciate my life here more, because I found some things in Honduras to be much better. That isn't mainly what I learned. I can't say what impact this has made on my life, or how it has changed it. Perhaps it is too early to tell, perhaps I don't feel changed, only because I can't imagine it being another way. But the experience has undoubtedly shaped a good part of what I will do in my future. I have formed relationships that can not be broken. As I go on and experience more here, I think my time in Honduras will show itself more and more through me. I know there is another world than the middle class american one that I function in. I have seen what amazing things people can do, but I've also been given things to think about. Cultural differences, child raising techniques, economic imbalance etc etc. The list goes on and on but often times these things don't have answers. That Honduras has impacted me is unquestionable, how much so and to what extent is yet to be seen.

Thank you to everyone who has kept in touch with my journey. I don't know if you will all be satisfied with it's ending, but perhaps that's the beauty of it. It isn't an ending, only a beginning to a life that will hopefully lead me to answers and action. All we can do in this world is try, and I will give all I can to try to help those I know, and many more if possible. So thank you again, but I won't say goodbye. So until later... :)